“The most important thing is family.”
“Family always comes first.”
“My family is my whole world.”
The entire world, Christian and otherwise, believes these statements to be self-evidently true, and self-evidently virtuous. That nothing can ever replace the bonds of blood, that filial piety and fraternal duties always trump all other loyalties.
It’s odd so many Christians feel this way… when their Lord and Master and perfect Example believes the exact opposite!
Matthew 12:46-47 (WEB) While he was yet speaking to the multitudes, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, seeking to speak to him. One said to him, “Behold, your mother and your brothers stand outside, seeking to speak to you.”
The most important thing is family, right? Family comes first, right? Well, let’s see if they came first for Jesus; what priority did Jesus give His blood relatives?
Matthew 12:48-50 (WEB) But he answered him who spoke to him, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” He stretched out his hand towards his disciples, and said, “Behold, my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father who is in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother.”
Jesus did not consider Himself bound by blood to His earthly mother or His human brethren who shared His DNA. Instead, He chose those bound to Him by the spirit, not the ties of flesh and blood! His disciples were His family – those bound to Him by spiritual DNA, not by an accident of birth but by their choice to love His God.
Loyalty to family has been one of the greatest sources of evil in the history of the world. Because it binds you to help and support people who might be good, who might have your best interests at heart… or who might be little better than animals at heart. And you have to help them no matter what, solely because “they’re family”.
This can force you go to war to defend your family even if they’re evil. It can cause you to shelter your brother even when he is a murderer. It persuades you to throw your weight behind causes which you would otherwise never support purely because “blood is thicker than water”.
And these things mean that family can cause you to do evil, simply because they do evil! Which is why one of Jesus’s prime reasons in coming to this Earth was to DESTROY the bonds of family!
Matthew 10:34-36 (WEB) Don’t think that I came to send peace on the earth. I didn’t come to send peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man at odds against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man’s foes will be those of his own household.
I genuinely struggle to understand how every Christian doesn’t already know this. Jesus was not subtle, not speaking in parables or symbols here; one of His main purposes in coming to Earth was to break up families!
And what does every Christian alive believe? The exact opposite!
Everyone believes that Jesus DID come to bring peace on Earth when He Himself said otherwise: He came to make you CHOOSE between Him and your family!
Verses 37-39 (WEB) The person who loves his father or mother more than me does not deserve to be my disciple. The person who loves a son or daughter more than me does not deserve to be my disciple. Whoever doesn’t take up his cross and follow me doesn’t deserve to be my disciple.
Of course, here all the Christians object and say “How dare you! I DO love Christ more than my family! But I ALSO love my family! And Jesus WANTS me to do that.” But does He? Let’s ask Him!
Luke 14:26 (GWV) If people come to me and are not ready to abandon their fathers, mothers, wives, children, brothers, and sisters, as well as their own lives, they cannot be my disciples.
So are you? Ready and willing to walk away from your blood relatives to follow our Lord and Master? If not, then you are not His disciple, nor are you worthy to be His disciple because He is a jealous God (Exodus 34:14). Think about that.
The Lord makes a big deal about this because when “family comes first”, it provokes the Lord to jealousy for He demands to come first and will accept no less. Family can’t even come SECOND!
Jesus was painfully clear that His disciples, those who have left their human families and joined the family of God come firmly second; for they have proven to Him that they value His house above all other human households!
…and a distant third, so distant as to be almost invisible in the distance, are the vastly weaker bonds of blood.
Matthew 6:24 (WEB) No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other; or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other….
It works the same with families. You cannot have two families; you cannot be a part of the house of God, and the house of flesh. Either you’re 100% in God’s house, or you’re 100% in the world’s house. In the end, your family will accept nothing less, and God is very clear that He won’t.
Luke 9:61-62 (WEB) Another also said, “I want to follow you, Lord, but first allow me to say good-bye to those who are at my house.” But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the Kingdom of God.”
Jesus considers as small a thing as saying goodbye to your family when He calls you to be “looking back” and unworthy of His house. That is how little He was willing to share His disciples with their families of flesh! Remember Lot’s wife (Luke 17:30-33).
She looked back because she had left behind many friends and her family in Sodom; at least two grown daughters, and probably grandchildren (Genesis 19:14). They were all dead, but she looked back anyway. And when God calls you, and you look back at those things and at the dead whom you cannot save, instead of looking ahead at what Jesus offers you… well, as Jesus said, just remember Lot’s wife.
THE DEAD CAN BURY THE DEAD
Yet most people, reading this article, will still argue that there is a third path; that you can put God first, and still be there for your family when they need you. After all, your family is good people, and they’ve been there for you, and you’d feel terrible not to be there for them when they need you. Well… what does Jesus say?
Luke 9:59-60 (WEB) He said to another, “Follow me!” But he said, “Lord, allow me first to go and bury my father.” But Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead, but you go and announce the Kingdom of God.”
Notice that Jesus wouldn’t accept a disciple who went to help arrange his father’s funeral! Not even in such a moment of pain and crisis would Jesus consider it less than a betrayal for a disciple to help family. Why? Because they are dead – and if you help them, you’ll be dead too.
The world is dead in their sins (Ephesians 2:1-5). Now obviously they aren’t dead yet. But it’s only a matter of time, and it’s absolutely certain – so whether you die today or in ten or a hundred years doesn’t make much difference. It matters to us, of course, but from God’s perspective… not so much.
But this disciple, being a normal human being, wanted to be there and help his family; but Jesus was taking the larger viewpoint that his family was already dead, in the grand scheme of things; so who cared what happened to them? What could the disciple really do to help?
Yes, he could hold their hands and weep with them… maybe make them feel a little better for the next few days. But what would it have mattered to them or to us, today, after their bones have all turned to dust 2,000 years ago? What difference would it really make?
Because Jesus was offering him an opportunity that matters forever. A chance to make a DIFFERENCE, not only for his family but for ALL families in the next life. And if this man had been so busy helping them survive just one more day… he’d never have been able to learn to fish for himself and live forever.
Indeed, if the disciple’s family were to ever have a chance at life, it would be through the young man wholly and exclusively devoting himself to God in Jesus’ household of disciples! It would be because he learned the gospel Jesus had to teach, learned to be the person God wanted him to become, and only THEN could he ever hope to offer life to his family!
Helping them lower a casket into a hole in the Earth could not help and that’s why Jesus said, in effect, “you might as well choose now; help dead people and die with them, or join Me and have a chance at living.”If he had buried his father, the rest of the family would have felt a little better, but they’d still be dead in their sins as much as the father was.
Only he would be condemning himself to death in the darkness of the world along with them. What would be the point of throwing his potential eternal life away to die with his family? You might as well put food and water on gravesites. You’ll just be feeding the birds.
But YOU, if you’ve been called, might, MIGHT not be dead. Why would you throw that away for people who already are? For people who, no matter what you do, will still die?
Is that even what THEY would want, if they could understand and believe the truth?
OBLIGATIONS TO FAMILY
Before you send me an angry letter pointing out that Ephesians 5-6, 1 Peter 3, and many other NT passages speak of family relationships and how to act in them… these are rules for families made within the house of God. Not justifications to stay in your old house and pretend to likewise be in Christ’s, not an excuse to serve two families!
All obligations of the flesh were transferred to the spirit with the new covenant, including the ones that applied to family. So “honor your father and your mother” was a righteous and holy law, which is why it still forms part of the new covenant (Ephesians 6:2-3).
Only now these duties apply to spiritual parents “in the Lord”, not carnal parents “in the world” (1 Timothy 5:1-2). This is the only way to reconcile these commandments about family with Jesus’ commandment to “let the dead bury their dead”, and “if you don’t hate your family, you cannot be my disciple”.
So yes, believing relatives in the church deserve help – provided they are in the church, and deemed worthy by Paul’s criteria (verses 3-16). But we are to refuse to help the widows who are already dead! (verse 6). Just as Christ commanded the would-be disciple.
Likewise, Isaiah 58:7 commands us “hide not yourself from your own flesh”. And this is absolutely still a commandment today; only today, we are not part of the flesh of our families but part of the flesh of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27).
Likewise there are situations where you are legally responsible – to underage children, say – and they should leave your ex-house with you, and you should “command them to do as you do”, as Abraham did with his own children, until they can make an informed adult choice to love your God or to be in the world.
And yes, there are situations of preexisting marriage to unbelievers, where Paul said that if they were willing to tolerate your exclusive duties to your new house, they could stay (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). But he also said that if they weren’t, you were not bound to that family anymore!
And notice that even in that situation, the goal is to try to bring the spouse out of that house with you. Not to stay in that dead family, but to bring anyone you can into a new family as your brethren, regardless of your former relationship.
Because even if your family should repent of their sins and follow Christ as well… then they are your family again solely because of Christ’s family, not your erstwhile one. Because in the house of God all of you are brethren (Matthew 23:8).
No matter if you were, before, mother and son, grandfather or cousin, you are all one in Christ Jesus… and bound by HIS blood, not your own!
Galatians 3:28-29 (WEB) There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham s seed and heirs according to promise.
If you can’t be male or female in Christ, how can you be married? If you cannot be Jew nor Greek, then how can you be Smith or Jones? Because all of these labels lose their spiritual relevance when you join the dead body of Christ, and become dead to the sins, duties, and responsibilities of the world in particular your dead family!
Colossians 3:11 Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all.
There is no room in the body of Christ for ex-families who don’t do the will of His Father. If you are a disciple of Christ, you are part of a new house, with a new family. And all of the duties that you thought applied to that former house apply to God’s house now.
THE WORKS OF ABRAHAM
I’m not saying you shouldn’t trying to teach your family the truth. Even Abraham brought Lot out of his ex-family with him (Genesis 12:4-5). I’m just saying that if that doesn’t work, it means they are no longer your true family. And helping those whom God is not interested in helping is a waste of time (John 6:65).
Doing so anyway, because of emotional attachments to people who aren’t being called by God, is unworthy of your calling and will make Christ reject you – for He’ll consider it a rejection of Him. The consequence, inevitably, is that your ex-family will hate you, shame you, guilt you. You will have to lose them, to gain Christ. Is it worth it?
Matthew 10:29-30 (WEB) Jesus said, “I can guarantee this truth: Anyone who gave up his home, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, or fields because of me and the Good News will certainly receive a hundred times as much here in this life. They will certainly receive homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields, along with persecutions. But in the world to come they will receive eternal life.”
You either believe Christ – and this – or you don’t believe Christ at all.
And while my witness is nothing compared to the Bible nor the word of Jesus, for what it’s worth… I, too, can testify that this is true. But giving up your family and the life you know for a country you can’t yet see requires faith; the faith of Abraham, to be precise.
Hebrews 11:8 (BBE) By faith Abraham did as God said when he was ordered to go out into a place which was to be given to him as a heritage and went out without knowledge of where he was going.
You are offered the same blessing, in the house of Abraham, regardless of your genealogy. God doesn’t hold that against you… and you shouldn’t let it hold you back. But you’ll have to make the choice before you know where you’re going. You will never get the “hundredfold increase” unless you first give up everything.
Matthew 19:21-24 (GWV) Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, sell what you own. Give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then follow me!” When the young man heard this, he went away sad because he owned a lot of property. Jesus said to his disciples, “I can guarantee this truth: It will be hard for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven. I can guarantee again that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.”
Families are a possession that people often value far higher than money. So we could safely say “a man who loves his family will enter into the kingdom of heaven with difficulty.” Indeed, “it is easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle, than for someone with a rich family life to enter the kingdom of God.”
But the blessings of Abraham are reserved for those who are willing to demonstrate that very faith. If that’s too much to ask, then “go away sorrowful” because of your family. Let your family save you. Let your family teach you righteousness, let their successes be your happiness, look to them for your eternal life.
Because unless you can let go of the bonds of flesh, all bonds of flesh, as your Lord and Master did, and be bound instead only to God and those who belong to and serve Him, you can never be a disciple of Christ. That’s what God demanded of Abraham.
And only those who do the works of Abraham are blessed with Abraham, and worthy to be called his sons and daughters.
Everyone else can help the dead bury the dead.